Kai vs RYM metal charts: 1982

     Once again we are here to talk about RYM's metal albums of the year charts and make fun of how retarded they are and discuss whether they are properly accurate.  1982 seems like it's a water shed year for metal, but it only seems that way because the two GOATS (arguably three) released their defining records this year.  I also decided to throw in the EP option for this year, and if you know anything about metal, you already know why.....

1. Iron Maiden- The Number Of the Beast

    If you asked me 10-15 years ago what I thought the greatest heavy metal album ever made was, I would answer Iron Maiden's The Number Of the Beast.  Now?  It's still top 10, possibly even top 5, but it's got one or two issues, like the latest versions not including Total Eclipse (why Rod Smallwood?  Why?), Clive's drumming being spotty in one or two spots, that "RAPING" at the end of Invaders that probably gave Chris Barnes a stiffy, my epiphany about Powerslave, Somewhere In Time, and Killers being Maiden's best accomplishments.  But these are fine-tooth comb nitpicks, which are very necessary to determine whether or not something is #1.  Everything else about this album is SSS tier.  Steve Harris under pressure beginning to make the seminal songs that would make Iron Maiden legendary, more of Martin Birch's great production, and of course, our patron saint, a certain scallawag by the name of Paul Dickinson, better known to us as Bruce.  Bruce gets unfairly written off as prancy or fairy-sounding or light (mostly by bitter old Di'Anno boomers), but here?  He is a rabid, vicious wolf and he is here for one reason only, to rip your throat out like the dogs in the Modern Warfare games.  They say that the singer makes the band and as has been said a million times over, Bruce Dickinson more than holds his weight and helps guide Iron Maiden to arguably the biggest heavy metal band status of all time!

Should this be in a top 10: Absofuckinlutely.

Would this be in my top 10: Absofuckinlutely.

2. Judas Priest- Screaming For Vengeance

    This could arguably be #1, depending on how much of a boomer Di'Anno fanboy you are (past a certain point, those two words are mutually exclusive).  Number of the Beast might have had more lasting influence (seems like the only album the youth cares about these days is Painkiller, and it's beginning to make me sick of it), but this album still has the numbers, at least in terms of record sales: Double platinum certification in the US, and the only album between Judas Priest and Iron Maiden to be certified as such).  It's difficult to say whether You've Got Another Thing Comin or Run To The Hills would be mentioned first by your average person to the "name a heavy metal song" query, but You've Got Another Thing Comin had Billboard single success.  Not top 40 (peaks at #67), but Maiden can't make that claim.  But yeah, this thing is as pure non-double bass drum metal as one can get.  Obviously not as progressive as Number Of the Beast, and it does follow an AC/DC template, but hell, who didn't in the 80s?  This album paved the way for so much commercial potential for all heavy metal bands to follow.  This album walked so Metallica and Motley Crue could run.  It's just accessible enough to be appropriate for the summer backyard BBQ has much as for any proper raging pagan sacrifice event!

Should this be in a top 10: Absofuckinlutely.

Would this be in my top 10: Absofuckinlutely.

3. Mercyful Fate- Mercyful Fate EP

    I decided to break my own rules here and include this because the fact of the matter is, this thing is just too good and too important.  EPs had certainly existed in music, let alone metal before 1982, but let's be real, those were more or less just expanded singles/stuff that was already heard.  And I'm sure there were EPs of all original material before, but this is the first one that mattered in metal.  The very first offering by the greatest Danish metal band of all time, sent shockwaves through the underground, that 100% influenced every band wanting to be heavier than Iron Maiden or Judas Priest afterwards, from Slayer to Darkthrone to Metallica (they did briefly feature A Corpse Without Soul in their Mercyful Fate medley on Garage Inc).  

Should this be in a top 10: Yes.

Would this be in my top 10: Yes.

4. Pagan Altar- Pagan Altar

    I know nothing about Pagan Altar.  Not for lack of trying either.  This is near impossible to find online.  Yeah it's on Spotify but maybe I don't feel like giving Daniel Ek advice revenue bucks for his own personal military detail.  From what I understand it's the yin to Witchfinder General's yang, a mixture of classic British metal and doom metal.  I hope to get my greasy hands on it, but I'm going to guess from its obscurity that the problem might be typical NVS (NWOBHM Vocal syndrome).

Should this be in a top 10: Yes.

Would this be in my top 10: Don't know.

5. Accept- Restless & Wild

    I'm an Accept fan, but I have a bone to pick with this album.  It seems like any fast heavy metal song before Kill Em' All's release gets tagged with "proto-speed metal."  Which, ok, I suppose it should, but people go to far and call the whole ALBUM proto-speed-metal.  Let me tell you, it's absolutely not.  For those of you who've never heard this album, the song in question is opener "Fast As A Shark" (if you know how this track goes, THIS is prime vocal coach reactor stink-face bait), and yes, it kicks major ass.  Here's the problem: in a post Kill Em All world, EVERY song on an album claiming to be proto-speed metal needs to be that fast.  Yes that's one-dimensional, that's the damn point.  Extreme metal is supposed to be gloriously one dimensional.  It's the greatest dimension ever!  You don't like it, there's there door!  

    So the rest of the album is not speed metal at all. It's Screaming For Vengeance with a more annoying singer.  Hell it's AC/DC with a grittier guitar sound and a more annoying vocalist.  Let's not kid each other here, yes Udo is an icon, but if he didn't sound like nails on a chalkboard Accept would have gone to much higher commercial heights!  Nonetheless, this is a great album, and I have come to love it.  Not as much as the albums after it (yes, plural), but it is a classic.

Should this be in a top 10: Yes.

Would this be in my top 10: Yes.

6. Heavy Load- Death Or Glory

    Another "deep cut" as it were I know nothing about.  I know that they are Swedish, I know one of their members died recently, and I know they pre-date every metal/hard rock band from their home country, including Europe (yes, that Europe).  

I'm gonna take this spot to address an increasingly visible elephant in the room: Venom's Black Metal, Manowar's Battle Hymns, and even Anvil's Metal On Metal aren't in RYMs top 10 of '82 and that's some bullshit.  Look you hipster Deafheaven, Kendrick fuckfaces, I don't care if you think Venom doesn't sound like modern black metal, no shit it doesn't.  It's still more extreme than anything released this year (and an argument can be made for next year as well), and all your favorite second wave black metal bands worshipped Venom.  I'm sure if I ever hear Death Or Glory (seven years before the other one *) I'd enjoy it, but no way can I put this above those records, or Michael Schenker's Assault Attack for that matter.

Should this be in a top 10: I guess?

Would this be in my top 10: Don't know

7. Scorpions- Blackout

    Now we're talkin again!  Arguably The Scorpions** best album, Blackout, while not quite as heavy as Screaming For Venegance (or Restless & Wild, Accept was always seen as a heavier version of the Scorpions), it is still another amazing take on metal with rock & roll song structure.  A brilliant mesh of metal riffs and Klaus Meine's melodic sensibility, Blackout was the first volley in Scorpions breaking down doors for future German bands worldwide.  No one would ever quite scale their heights (Rammstein maybe?), but that's what happens sometimes when you're a pioneer!  Has the same utility function as SFV as it's perfect for BBQ and raging!

Should this be in a top 10: Yes.

Would this be in my top 10: Yes.

8. Baron Rojo- Volumen Brutal

    Oh fuck off.  They're from Spain?  Great.  Bulldozer was from Italy.  Mercyful Fate was from Denmark, hell SCORPIONS ARE FROM GERMANY!  I'd like to think American record companies would be more welcoming from the previous three countries than the were the fourth, but guess what, Scorpions made up for it with great songwriting, and Bulldozer made up for being from another Axis country by being extreme for it's time.  Could this be a hidden gem?   Perhaps, but Volumen has 641 ratings on RYM.  Black Metal has 7000+.  I bet if all those people who gave Black Metal middling reviews rated this it would probably rank even lower.

Should this be in a top 10: No.

Would this be in my top 10: No.

9. Witchfinder General- Death Penalty

    Broken record time, this shouldn't rank above Venom's Black Metal either, but this at least gets mentioned in metal conversation outside of 1982.  Hell, Phil Anselmo shouted Witchfinder General out from the stage during the Reinventing the Steel tour in 2001!  If you were to ask me who I thought Pantera fans and assorted nu-metal Ozzfest wanderers who they thought the most uncool band in 2001 would be, they'd probably answer Witchfinder General.  They also would have the most homophobic slurs for as a vocalist Zeeb Parkes, vocalist of Witchfinder General.    If you think Kevin Heyborne and Sean Harris sound wimpy, you'll really hate Zeeb Parkes.  This man fits the above mentioned NVS to a tee.  And the album cover (yikes) would probably be even more of a setup for disappointment!  I guarantee those same fans, even if they would ultimately not like Iron Maiden would still think Bruce is a "less ghey" vocalist than Zeeb Parkes.  Still, this record's ok.  It seems to be to Blackout what Pagan Altar is to Screaming For Vengeance: A lesser quality mixture of doom and classic British metal.  I do like me some "No Stayer" though.  That's a bop, as the kids say these days.

Should this be in a top 10: Perhaps.

Would this be in my top 10: Yes.

10. Tank- Filth Hounds of Hades

    Tank?  I loved you as Motorhead's side kick. ("Motorhead?  Side kick?  FUCK YOU!") In all seriousness I've never heard this record either, but like Witchfinder General above, this at least gets bandied about as a band that meant something.  I'm even willing to bet this is way more "Proto-speed-metal" than Restless & Wild is.  It ain't more important than Black Metal though.

So that's 1982. Like for 81, here is my non-numerical top 10 list:

ACCEPT- RESTLESS & WILD

IRON MAIDEN- THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST

JUDAS PRIEST- SCREAMING FOR VENGEANCE

MANOWAR- BATTLE HYMNS

MERCYFUL FATE- MERCYFUL FATE EP

MICHAEL SCHENKER GROUP- ASSAULT ATTACK

MOTORHEAD- IRON FIST

SCORPIONS- BLACKOUT

VENOM- BLACK METAL

WITCHFINDER GENERAL- DEATH PENALTY

Couldn't quite go 3 for 3 weeks this time, but truth be told aside from the big names it's harder to get the thought juices flowing for this one.   I'll try my damndest to get 1983 for next week.  Now go listen to Assault Attack or Black Metal!

*I'm putting links in my blogs now!  Yay!  I'm becoming more sophistimicated (don't make a habit of it)!

** (I know you're supposed to call them just "Scorpions," fuck that, it sounds like a hipster band)